My cancer diary:
Friday - February 23, 2001
[total: day 19]

"When the alarm clock goes off I am not sure whether I really want to get up. I had problems falling into sleep last night and am still wondering whether it is a good decision to even be able to father children in a surrounding that was obviously not intended to by nature.

It is the first time that I leave the flat after coming back from the hospital the day before yesterday. My groin still hurts and walking, especially climbing stairs is quite difficult and strenuous. As the doctors endorsed getting back to normal, I drive carefully by myself to the medical practise. I like the short trip as it is quite sunny and driving a car seems like normal business again.
As T. advised yesterday, I try to arrive at 09:00 sharp. The medical practise is located in central Düsseldorf on the first floor of an office building. The building is being renovated and the entrance door to the medical practise is in the middle of the building site. As the doctors are off today it will be just the assistants working.
T. opens the door and introduces herself. I take an immediate liking towards her, a fine young lady as I will learn lateron. She explains the formalities and I fill out the respective forms for the medical practise itself and the cryobank. The premises look very run-down and I see why there is renovation going on. I am taken to a room at the end of the central corridor. It is a typical examination room of a gynaecologist: an examination chair, lots of instruments and test tubes, a lot of metal, tons of medicine, blind windows. She wishes me luck as she is leaving the room.
Here we go: another nightmare becoming reality. Do I want that?

I don't.

Due to the temporary consequences of the surgery I soon learn that I am neither physically nor psychologically able nor willing to have it done. It hurts too much, also in the soul. So I thank T. very much and leave again.

On my way back home I feel relief: Maybe there was a hidden meaning that the wound and the whole surrounding area still hurt; maybe it was my self expressing that such a fathering would not be right in my opinion... - But what about my wife?"

[next day] [top] [diary] [send feedback]

PS: This diary reflects just my very own opinion. - You might be also interested to read further details in doerings.net general section about testicular cancer.