My cancer diary:
Wednesday - May 9, 2001
[total: day 94]

"It has not been easy since the meeting on Monday. All of my thoughts keep coming back to the RPLND surgery and its risks and side effects. I am scared to death; for the first time since it all began in February.

It's like a box fight between my thinking and my feeling. Yes, I know there could not have been a better outcome on Monday. I should feel relieved and happy. But it's the opposite. I am unable to listen to others. I can hardly reply to them as I don't pay much attention to their words. Nobody's. I am isolating myself. I am shutting down.

Even my colleague's visit doesn't change a lot. She stays for about an hour. I am glad to see her again. We mainly talk about business issues. The team has a very difficult time: a lot of changes that directly and negatively effect their projects and thus their motivation. Nevertheless it's hard for me to follow my colleague's statements...

I cry a lot during the day.

The group in the afternoon helps a little bit.

Still the fear keeps coming back..."

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PS: This diary reflects just my very own opinion. - You might be also interested to read further details in doerings.net general section about testicular cancer.